Dear Rear:

Dearest Gluteus Maximus,

It's time you and I had a talk. A real heart-to-heart-of-a-butt conversation. Things have gotten a bit out of control the past few months, and I thought we had discussed this two times already.

I'm not sure what makes you such a jealous type. I give you love. All of those infant years, you were pampered. Through childhood, I adorned you with flowers. And as an adult, you've been met with thongs throngs of support.

So why, then, are you so jealous of my expanding belly that you feel it necessary to grow at the same alarming pace?

Are you jealous that my belly gets all of the attention? That people (unfortunately even strangers) feel it necessary to remark and even rub it...yet no strangers comment on how cute you are or - heaven forbid - try to rub you?

Let's get one thing clear, this will not continue forever! Come June, you will be met with all of the shrinking power my points-counting, treadmill pounding body can muster.

For now, gloat if you'd like. Lay there in the smug snugness of my elastic waist pants.

Your day is coming. And when it does, this world will see much less of you.

Much less.

Sincerely,

Me